Have a crush on that engineer in your office? Think his beady eyes gleam of true love behind his thick spectacles? Find yourself blushing when he talks about running a virtualized OS on his Linux machine? Fear not. The office engineer is a predictable creature, with simple wants and desires. Use these simple, foolproof tricks to make him want you. Almost as much as he wants the new iPhone 5S.
1.Browse Reddit religiously. Reddit is to a male engineer what the loo is to you – it’s where people congregate to discuss life and the universe. Nothing will get an engineer more excited than you knowing what the frontpage posts on reddit are. Bond over hilarious cat videos. Stroke his ego by asking him about this 5 figure karma. And if you’re feeling playful, drop the words “r/gonewild”.
2. Express a disdain for the occult. Real engineers’ beliefs are grounded in science and rationality, which is why they believe that mumbling Hi to a girl while staring at their shoes will get her to fall for them. Resist the urge to tell your engineer crush that he’s being moody because he’s a Virgo – send him a Richard Dawkins video instead.
3. Start expressing yourself in Math. It doesn’t even have to be complex differential equations – just simple references to numbers will make him identify you as one of his own. So say stuff like, we’re 50% on our way to McDonald’s, or I’m 100% certain your fly is open.
4. Switch to Linux. Ideally, enlist his his help to get you over to the right side. This will involve you spending hours in close proximity, well suited for some light hearted banter about the appropriate use of the sudo command. Nod encouragingly while he tells you why a simple mouse click on your Macbook must now be replaced by a reboot, 8 lines of code, and a prayer to sun god Ra.
5. Lose your spendthrift ways. An engineer thrives on optimising the value of most of his expenses. There is a whole 2.5 ml of that toothpaste to be squeezed out from the tube you ruthlessly discarded. And just why must you watch that blockbuster in the cinema on a weekday, when your engineer would expertly advise that watching the same movie at 10am on a Wednesday at the nearest cinema hall?
6. Learn to love Old Monk, the most venerable of Indian liqueurs. Don’t worry that it costs less than a large packet of gum and tastes like horse piss. As a broke student, your crush has spent many evenings in its company, wondering why he was chump enough to study engineering. Even today, Old Monk retains a certain nostalgic charm for him. Ingratiate yourself by bravely choosing it at a party, preferably with some Thums Up. Bonus points if you don’t gag.
7. Lower your sartorial standards. Quell your inner impulse to tell him that his shiny white sneakers don’t go with his black corduroy pants. When he shows up at work wearing the same T shirt for the third day straight, distract yourself by reflecting on how he’d be useful fixing computers and stuff. From a safe distance, of course.